| Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter? Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar. |
| "What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays." |
| What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving? He gave tanks. |
| "You know an ancestor of mine came over on the Mayflower." "Really? Which rat was he?" |
| Teacher: "What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?" Student: "Baseballs." Teacher: "Baseballs?" Student: "Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!" |
| Why did the Pilgrims create Thanksgiving? They wanted another excuse to watch football. |
| What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans ? Speaking Latin ! |
| Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ? He wanted Mark Antony ! |
| Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America ? On their feet ! |
| Why does history keep repeating itself ? Because we weren't listening the first time ! |
| Who succeeded the first President of the USA ? The second one ! |
| If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas ? His wife ! |
| When did Caesar reign ? I didn't know he reigned. Of course he did, didn't they hail him ? |
| Why did the Romans build straight roads ? So their soldiers didn't go around the bend ! |
| What did Caesar say to Cleopatra ? Toga-ether we can rule the world ! |
| Why were the early days of history called the dark ages ? Because there were so many knights ! |
| Why did Arthur have a round table ? So no one could corner him ! |
| Who invented King Arthur's round table ? Sir Circumference ! |
| What was King Arthur's favourite game ? Knights and crosses ! |
| What was Camelot ? A place where people parked their camels ! |
| What was Camelot famous for ? It's knight life ! |
| When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight ? When they had lots of sleepless knights ! |
| What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate ! |
| What famous chiropodist ruled England ? William the Corn-cutter! |
| Whose son was Edward, the Black Prince ? Old King Coal ! |
| Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ? He liked to chop and change ! |
| What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne ? Sat down ! |
| Where was the Magna Carta signed ? At the bottom ! |
| I'm learning ancient history ? So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times ! |
| My teacher reminds me of history She's always repeating herself ! |
| What do history teachers make when they want to get together ? Dates ! |
| The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon. How many galleons did the get to the mile ! |
| What did Paul Revere say when he got on his horse? Giddy up horsey ! |
| How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ? With their eyes shut ! |
| What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old ? A year older on his birthday ! |
| Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia ? Must have been a duck family A duck family ? Didn't you say there was a quack in it ! |
| Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons ? Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train ! |
| You've failed history again ! Well you always told me to let bygones be bygones ! |
| How did you do in your tests ? I did what George Washington did ! What was that ? Went down in history ! |
| Do you know the 20th President of the United States ? No, we were never introduced ! |