| I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago. She said "it's me or your fishing." Gee I miss her. |
| Q. Where do fish sleep? A. In a river bed |
| What fish goes up the river at 100mph ? A motor pike ! |
| Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea ? Jack the kipper ! |
| Why is a fish easy to weigh ? Because it has its own scales ! |
| Where do fish come from? Finland! |
| What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd? He called the piano tuna! |
| What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse ? The Codfather ! |
| Why are fish so gullible? They fall for things hook, line and sinker! |
| How did the fish's tail get stuck in the anchor chain? It was just a fluke! |
| Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line? eFISHancy! |
| Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water. Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?" "woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back. "what did you say?" replies Bob. The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob, " you have to keep your worms warm". |
| If you're fishing on ice, you should never tell a joke on ice. WHY??? The ice will crack up! |
| Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing A:a cold |
| Q:what did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? A:Damn |
| It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy: "How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can?" The guy replied: "Well I am going back up there tommorow, why don't you come along?" And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said: "You can't do that! That's illeagal!" The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said: "Are you going to fish, or talk?" |
| What fish is best to have in a boat? A Sailfish. |
| How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea? Skates! |
| How do the fish get to school ? By octobus ! |
| What fish make the best sandwich? A peanut butter and jellyfish |
| To whom do fish go to borrow money ? The loan shark ! |
| What fish only swims at night ? A starfish ! |
| What do dirty fish read? Prawno Magazines! |
| Why men like to fishing so much? They finally found something as smart as them to talk to. |
| What is a knight's favourite fish? A swordfish! |
| What do you call a deaf fishing boat captain? Anything you like, he can't hear you. |
| I was glad when one fish got away. There just wasn't room in the boat for both of us! |
| Q: What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything. A: Three Men And A Baby |
| What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much ? A beer-a-cuda ! |
| Which fish can perform operations ? A Sturgeon ! |
| Where do fish wash ? In a river basin ! |
| How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big. |
| Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No, but I've been fishing in shorts. |
| What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? The cast-a-net. |
| Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth... |
| "I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you were out playing football instead." "That's not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!" |
| "I caught a twenty pound salmon last week." "Were there any witnesses?" "There sure were. If there hadn't been, it would have been forty pounds." |
| Q. What is the difference between a fish and a piano? A. You can't tuna fish. |
| How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out? I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there. |
| Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." |