| A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." |
| Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them. |
| The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone." |
| Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did! |
| Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop! |
| Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite! |
| Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it up! |
| Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction! |
| Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee Buzz off can't you see I'm busy? |
| Doctor these pills you gave me for BO... What's wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms! |
| Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish! |
| Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad! |
| Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito Go away, sucker! |
| Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there |
| Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring! |
| Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday? |
| Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well, I saw this light at the window...! |
| Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out? |
| Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon! Well sit still and don't stir! |
| Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later. |
| Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache? Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache. |
| Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me One at a time please |
| Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises! |
| Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps! |
| Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible! What sister? |
| Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, that's a lot of calories! |
| Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion? Of course, come back tomorrow! |
| Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out! Certainly, which way did you come in? |
| Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start? Well first I created the sun, then the earth... |
| Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible Who said that? |
| Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin. Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then! |
| Doctor: You need new glasses Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window! |
| Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell! |
| Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple. We must get to the core of this! |
| Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about! |
| Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up! Just simmer down! |
| Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder Great, can you help me with my accounts then please! |
| Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold Don't worry it's just a gilt complex! |
| Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places Well don't go back there again then! |
| Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog. How long have you felt like this? Ever since I was a puppy! |