| A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads." |
| A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'." |
| A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral." |
| Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room. Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver." Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after." |
| What's the difference between a very old, shaggy Yeti and a dead bee? One's a seedy beast and the other's a deceased bee. |
| If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? Dead. |
| Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. I'll arrange for you to be halfburied. |
| Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Who's going to look after his family? |
| Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case. |
| Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one! |
| Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself. |
| Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake? |
| Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave. |
| I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead. |
| When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave ? Rust in peace ! |
| What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede. |
| What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decomposes. |
| What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies? A dead cat. |
| What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete. |
| What's a zombie's favorite pop song? Dead sails in the sunset. |
| What do you find in a zombie's veins? Dead blood corpuscles. |
| Where do ghosts go for their holidays? The Dead Sea. |
| First ghoul: You don't look too well today. Second ghoul: No, I'm dead on my feet. |
| Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary? It was a dead end job. |
| Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat. |
| A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker's. "I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died," said the monster. "Certainly, sir," said the undertaker, "but there was really no need to bring him with you." |
| Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head? It's for people like you who're dead from the neck up! |
| The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?" "Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you." |
| A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!" |
| At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words. "Yes," she replied. "He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin..." |
| A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate. "Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?" |
| "Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. " 'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . ." "Fred," said the teacher. "You must have known that Wisk's bad for parrots." "Oh it wasn't the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier." |
| Doctor, doctor, I'm at death's door! Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you through. |
| What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits. |
| How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye |
| My brother's a professional boxer. Heavyweight ? No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death ! |
| A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. 'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,' said the monster. 'Certainly ma'am,' said the undertaker, 'but there was really no need to bring her with you.' |
| If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she? Dead. |
| I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare's dead, silly. No wonder he hasn't replied. |
| What is the last thing you eat before you die? You bite the dust. |