| |Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Nike virus: Just Does It!Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years. |
| |Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option.""Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!""That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan."The bottle has a hole in it!""What about the PC?""It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan."And it's missing three keys,""Which three?""Control, Alt and Delete." |
| |OCR - Optical Character RecognitionA technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s that come out like ;'s. |
| |10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.1. Two words: catapulting teacups. |
| |By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading. |
| |One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" |
| |Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Exactly five hundred.1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.21 to flame the spell checkers.49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.53 votes for alt.lite.bulb. |
| |1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.9. E Pluribus Modem10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 198123. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)27. Hit any user to continue.28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? |
| |'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle. After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95. More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through, It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself. Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!" And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound. And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!The above document was written by Chet Raymo. |
| |July 18I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.July 19Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?July 20I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 21I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.July 22The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.July 23What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.July 24The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.July 25I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.July 26I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.July 27These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.July 28I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.July 29I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.July 30I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.July 31The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.August 1Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.August 2I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.August 3I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.August 4I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.August 5I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.August 6Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb. |
| |OFFICE MEMODate: 1/18/96SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE ITStock Price Increases 50%"We'll do it better," Says MicrosoftCUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude."A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant."In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies. |
| |WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr 002: No Error - Yet WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one. WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software. WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that. WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available. WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted. |
| |10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk." |
| |Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes. Thou shalt remember thy name and password. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day. Honor thy SysOp. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning. Thou shalt use the English language properly. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages. Thou shalt help other users. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits. Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system. Thou shalt not hack. |
| |10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message? 8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV. 7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening. 6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard. 5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign. 4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in. 3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web. 2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO. 1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other. |
| | Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.""No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.""Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again." |
| |"Can you help me? asked Alice."No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed. "Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string." "Nroff?" asked the Frog. The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?" "It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?" "Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker. Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked. "That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him. "Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at..." A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly."...what our NextStep will be. "Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised. "What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh. "Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!" "Awk," said the Frog. "Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn." "Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!" "Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX." "Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man." "Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo." "Penix," suggested a Penguin. "Mount," said the Frog, "spawn." Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked. "But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue?" Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again. "Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors." Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left. Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her. "Rem," is said, "edlin." Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean." "Chkdsk," said the Frog. "Alice in UNIX land" was created by Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989 |
| |Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.Bug WarningHusband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9. |
| |Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95. |
| |Dear Boss,I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready? |
| |1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.7. Users find 137 new bugs.8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. |
| |Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:1. A "Don't remind me again" button.2. Minimize button.3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.Bug warningWife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. |
| |There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD. All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them off of it. There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers, and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI, CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Bell, and Georgia Tech, not to mention all the ones in between. The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main disk did not boot.While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone. After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.Part Two: Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole. Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust. All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them. Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name. Part Three: All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must be a dream. Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts, thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric. Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the world of technological advancements. |
| |Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated.Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet. |
| |Twas the night before crisis,And all through the house,Not a program was working,Not even a browse.Programmers were wrung out,Too mindless to care,Knowing chances of cutoverHadn't a prayer.The users were nestledAll snug in their beds,While visions of inquiriesDanced in their heads.When out in the lobbyThere arose such a clatter,That I sprang from my tubeTo see what was the matter.And what to my wonderingEyes should appear,But a Super Programmer,Oblivious to fear.More rapid than eagles,His programs they cameAnd he whistled and shoutedAnd called them by name.On Update! On Add!On Inquiry! On Delete!On Batch Jobs! On Closing!On Functions Complete!His eyes were glazed over,His fingers were lean,From weekends and nightsSpent in front of a screen.A wink of his eye,And a twist of his head,Soon gave me to knowI had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word,But went straight to his work,Turning specs into code,Then he turned with a jerk.And laying his fingersUpon the ENTER key,The system came up,And worked perfectly!The updates updated;The deletes they deleted;The inquiries inquired;And the closing completed.He tested each whistle,He tested each bell,With nary an abend,And all had gone well.The system was finished,The tests were concluded,The client's last changesWere even included!And the client exclaimed,With a snarl and a taunt,"It's just what I asked for,But it's not what I want!" |
| |EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-ShiftEMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly SwappingEMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes SimplerEMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and SurrealEMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate SalesEMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely StupifiedEMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy ScreenEMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer StorageEMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the SystemEMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete SimplicityEMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations SurviveEMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court StallmanEMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered SillyEMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause SenilityEMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical SolutionsEMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial SinsEMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered SuperfluousEMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of SoftwareEMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are SimpleEMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised ScrewupsEMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly SuppressedEMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and SegmentationEMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist SubversionEMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed SimpletonsEMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command StructuresEMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and StupifiesEMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands StinkEMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer ScientistsEMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff priceEMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably SmallerEMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts SalesEMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is SuperiorEMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control SystemEMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and SupportersEMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes SimplerEMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete SubmissionEMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy SickosEMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely SlowEMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever SeenEMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- ShellsEMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete SimplicityEMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and SegmentationEMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler SeizuresEMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of SaturdaysEMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing SimpleEMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable ShellEMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer StoryEMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely ScrewedEMACS: Each Mail A Continued SurpriseEMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-SuckingEMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled SuccessfullyEMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer SoftwareEMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow |
| |IBM: It's Being MendedIBM: Inmense Ball of MuckIBM: I Believe in MemorexIBM: It's Better than Macintosh!IBM: Idiots Built MeIBM: Intense Bowel MovementIBM: Inferior But Marketable?IBM: I've Been MisleadIBM: It's Better ManuallyIBM: Infinitly Better MacintoshIBM: Indefinitly Boggled MachineIBM: I Bought a MacIBM: I Blame Microsoft.IBM: I Bought MacintoshIBM: I'll Buy MacintoshIBM: I've Been MovedIBM: I've Been MuggedIBM: Incontinent Bowel MovementIBM: Identical Blue MenIBM: Idiotic Bit MasherIBM: Idiots Become ManagersIBM: Incompatible Business MachinesIBM: Incredibly Boring MachineIBM: Infernal Bloody MonopolyIBM: Institute of Black MagicIBM: Internal Beaurocratic MessIBM: International Brotherhood of MagiciansIBM: Intolerant of Beards and MustachesIBM: It'll Be MessyIBM: It's Backwards, ManIBM: Itty Bitty MachinesIBM: Itty Bitty MoronsIBM: It Barely MovesIBM: I Buy MainframesIBM compatible - IBM contemptible |
| |AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button."I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operation.Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are as foreign as another language."It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read a book."Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side-by-side, the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people.And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key.Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, and AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschan says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette and rolled it into the typewriter."At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find couple of geeks.Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and the removing all the keys and washing them individually.Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergaran says he once calmed a man who became enraged because, "his computer has told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the dell technician who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the backgroundThere are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process."A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler. |
| |If architects had to work like programmers . . .Dear Mr. Architect,Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case. |
| |At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell. 4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows. 5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS. 6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance. 7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy. 8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty. 9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying. 10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better 11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows. 12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows! 13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates. 14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!15. How do you want to crash today? |
| |1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine. 2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end. 3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it. 4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program. 5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo' someone someday shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'. 6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me', the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance. 7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.8. Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to understanding. 9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system. 10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX', and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short. |
| |ADA: A Dumb ArrangementADA: A Dumb AcronymADA: A Dumb AnnoyanceBASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic CodersBASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical CodeBASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite ConfusionC: CrudC: ConfusingCOBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused LanguageCOBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated LanguageCOBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated LanguagesCOBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunaticsCOBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our LethargyCOBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our LoathingCOBOL: Compiles Only Because Of LuckCOBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized LanguageCOBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed LunaticsFORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverlandLISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid ParenthesesLISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous ParenthesesPASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language |
| |They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time. |
| |Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks. |
| |It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course). |
| |Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree. |
| |Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..? |
| |"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree. |
| |The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them. |
| |Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security. |
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