| An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?" "Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now." |
| Teenage Driver: But, officer, I'm a college man. Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse. |
| Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars? So they can park in handicapped spaces. |
| How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn? The welcome mat is destroyed. |
| What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for? "Nowledge." |
| Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night? He was trying to find a cure for insomnia. |
| Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles? They can't get their heads in the jar. |
| What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape? A retarded ape. |
| Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine! |
| Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before? |
| "Professor, I hear your wife has had twins. Boys or girls?" "Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy but it may be the other way around." |
| Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs. |
| Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by? |
| And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants. |
| How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I.Q.? With a tire gauge. |
| Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out? |
| How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's. |
| What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. |
| How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in his ears. |
| Why did the Oregon State psychology major climb up the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side. |
| What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air? Collecting his thoughts. |
| "Did you hear? Lament's gettin' a Ph.D." "What does Ph.D. stand for?" "in his case, Pin-headed Dope." |
| Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed. |
| How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But he gets three hours credit. |
| Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking through the campus. "Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?" "Yes!" "For the whole basketball team?" |
| How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan? Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer. |
| What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands? A dope ring. |
| How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning? By opening the car door. |
| Jeb and Eudell, University of Michigan athletes, were driving from Ann Arbor to Cleveland. Just outside the city limits they saw a sign: "CLEAN REST ROOMS." By the time they got to Cleveland, they'd cleaned 147 Johns. |
| Did you hear about the University of Miami fullback who stayed up all night studying for his urine test? |
| There was the Florida State defensive tackle who thought Hertz Van Rentals was a famous Dutch painter. |
| How can you tell if a California State coed is a good cook? She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece. |
| Professor: A wise man doubts everything. Only a pin-head is positive. Student: Are you sure of that, sir? Professor: Positive. |
| Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, "Do you have any final words, son?" "Yeah, drop dead!" snapped the Wolverine. Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim's throat. "It's God's will! Let him go!" cried the judge. Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again, "And what are your final remarks, my boy?" "Go to hell!" shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy's neck. "It's the wi ll of God!" exclaimed the judge. "Set him free!" Finally the Texan was put into position. "Before you're beheaded," said the judge, "do you have any last words?" "Yeh!" replied the Aggie. "If y'all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade'll come down a whole lot easier!" |
| Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North Carolina campus. One day Tipton came in and said to his roommate, "I hear there's a new case of herpes in the dorm." "Great!" said Baldwin. "I was getting tired of 7-Up!" |
| Higginbote and Goldstein, Fordham freshmen, were discussing what kind of work would supply mem with big bucks after graduation. "Well, I've always thought I'd like to be a doctor," said Higginbote. "Specialize in something or other. Like obstetrics, maybe." "Obstetrics?" scoffed Goldstein. "At the rate science is going, you'd no sooner learn all about it when bingo! somebody'd find a cure for it." |
| What is the second stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas architectural student out in the middle of the ocean trying to build a foundation for a house. What is the stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas contractor trying to build a house on the foundation. |
| "Where are my shoes?" asked the Iowa State professor as the class ended. "They're on your feet," said one of the students. "So they are," said the professor. "It's a good thing you saw them, or I would have gone home without them!" |
| Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning. Wife: When did you first miss it, dear? Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped. |
| Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was stopped by two coeds. "Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness?" asked one of the girls. "No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident." |