| Schwarzenegger has a big one,Michael J. Fox has a small one,Madonna doesn't have one,The POPE has one but doesn't use it,Clinton uses his all the time,Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,George Burns' was hot,Liberace NEVER used his on women,Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,We never saw Lucy use Desi'swhat is it?A last name....... Were you thinking of something else? |
| Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking outof the delivery room after his wife gives birthto their son. Michael says, "How long before wecan have sex?"The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking." |
| Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries. |
| I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if,after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy." |
| Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson'sdreams every night??A: Hansons. |
| The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiouslyawaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's......there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will tolive has been sucked away by her awful disease and shedied a few moments ago" "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!" |
| A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.Mother: "What does the cow say?"Child: "Moooo!"Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"Child: "Meow."Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud." |
| Stick your tongue out.Move it up and down.Relax.Now move it left and right.Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video. |
| The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" |
| A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." Sent by Zena |
| Q: What's got 400 legs and no pubic hair?A: The front row of a Hanson concert |
| Q: What's stiff and excites women?A: Elvis Presley. |
| Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp? Everyone would be afraid to lick it. |
| Q: What did Michael Jackson say when his cock slid in the little boys arse?A: There is a great musician in you. |
| Q. What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape. |
| Arnold Swartzeneger and Sylvester Stallone are making amovie about the lives of the great composers. Stallone says "I want to be Mozart." Swartzeneger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach." |
| Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago? Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood.... |
| What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana?One's composing, the other is decomposing. |
| Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on, it's time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation. She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?" Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news." She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson." |
| David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like toshow him a trick. "I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table." "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and startsfucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,"I know, it's fucking magic." |
| Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?" Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse". Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God, you look terrible."Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver."Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?""No, I'm Mother Theresa. |
| Did you know that Mike Tyson has an upcoming bout with Prince Charles? It seems that no-one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds. |
| A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white."To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?" |
| Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.Homer: Why you little -- ! |
| Q: What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?A: Hey pal, mind if I cut in? |
| Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing |
| I went past a plastic surgeon's shop the other day and saw Michael Jackson picking his nose. |
| What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch... |
| Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming out"?They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger! |
| What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip?He put it on. |
| Iraqi TV Guide MONDAY8:00 Husseinfeld8:30 Mad About Everything9:00 Suddenly Sanctions9:30 Allah McBealTUESDAY8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution BloopersWEDNESDAY8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy9:00 Just Shoot Me9:30 VeilwatchTHURSDAY8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses9:30 My Two BaghdadsFRIDAY8:00 Judge Saddam8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things9:00 Achmed's Creek9:30 No-witness News |
| What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling. |
| What's the new documentary about Madonna going to be called? Missionary Position Impossible. |
| What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?Scratching like hell to get out of that box. |
| What's the first problem the MJ's child will have in life? Figuring out which parent is his mother. |
| Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??He thought it was a delivery service. |
| What can Calista Flockhart do with dental floss? Hang herself. |
| Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car? Neither has he. |
| Heard about Salman Rushdie's sequels to "Satanic Verses"? 1) Buddha, you Fat Fucking Bastard, 2) Jesus was a Lousy Carpenter. |
| Who's got long blonde hair and big tits,and lives in Melbourne, Australia? Salman Rushdie. |