| A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !" |
| How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car? Put him in the front. |
| What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away.. |
| What sort of a car has your dad got? I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas. |
| Why is it not safe to doze on trains? Because they run over sleepers. |
| Motorist: Does a deer have a horn? Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns. Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle. |
| Policeman: Did you realize you just missed that bus with your car? Motorist: Did you want me to hit it? |
| Policeman: Didn't you see the signs with the speed limit? Driver: I thought they were just suggestions. |
| Policeman: What do you think you're doing parking your car there? Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says "Safety Zone." |
| Policeman: Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase? Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow one. |
| Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read. |
| Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you? Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration. |
| Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate ! |
| Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle. |
| Who drives away all of his customers? A taxicab driver. |
| What would you have if your car's motor was in flames? A fire engine. |
| What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train ? A laplander ! |
| What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles ? A car-toonist ! |
| What do you call a group of cars ? A clutch ! |
| Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha |
| A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles." |
| A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE." |
| As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" |
| One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother "Why dont these people have electricity?" Very confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking about?" The girl quickly replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!" |
| Policeman: Why did you stop your car, get out, and yell "coward" at the traffic signal? Motorist: The light just turned yellow. |
| Policeman: Why did your car just spin around in circles? Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind. |
| Policeman: Why didn't you stop at that red light? Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me. |
| Policeman: Why have you parked your bus here? Bus Driver: The sign says "Bus Stop." |
| Policeman: Why were you asleep at the wheel? Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep. |
| Policeman: Why were you driving around in circles and laughing? Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round. |
| A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the speech. Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway department was: "There should not be last coach in any train." |
| A businessman was traveling in the train and his seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. Every time the train stops at station and he faced so much of problem as all shops to purchase eatables were far off. He was very upset and every time he was remembering that's all happened because I am in the last couch. When he got down at the destination station, he asked the station person that he wants to lodge a complaint against the railway staff. The complaints and suggestions book was given to him and he wrote: " There should not be any last couch in the train. If there is any last couch in the train, it should be kept somewhere in the middle. |
| Policeman: Why were you speeding? Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial. |
| Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene. |
| Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas. |
| Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted." |
| Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers, "Taxi!" |
| When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. |
| Q) What's worse than raining buckets? A) Hailing taxis! |
| What do you get when you put a car and a pet together ? Carpet ! |