| A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one."The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay."637", said the blonde.The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, but lived up to his bargain."I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back? |
| 51 DAYSA bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door burstsopen and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order fivebottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at alarge table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begintoasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondesarrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raisingthe roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in witha picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in themiddle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing aroundthe table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51days!"The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to thetable. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of theCookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asksone of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondesare dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side ofthe box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! " |
| Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. |
| What do you call a blonde with white eyes?full up......Sent by Rob |
| Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. |
| Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy. |
| The complaint letter from Judi:We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff. Sined by the blonds at the ofise (sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake) |
| Blondes dumb?!?!? After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with ablonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some foodto replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milkand right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still prettyhot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blondewalks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those." |
| A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette saidthat her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Headand Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,"How do you give shoulders?" |
| A blond at a party was telling her friend thatshe was off men for life. "They lie, they cheatand they're just no good. From now on when I wantsex, I'm going to use my vibrator""So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend"I'll just fake an orgasm like always." |
| Why don't Blondes make good cattle herders.Because they can never keep two calves together. |
| A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...' The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.' |
| Whats a blonde's favorite surgery?A Slipodictomy. |
| Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?A: Butter is difficult to spread. |
| Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?She chewed off three legs and was still stuck. |
| On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." |
| A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!" |
| What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training. |
| What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong. |
| Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture. |
| Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. |
| At the Doctor's... -A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the doctor. -The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." -Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." -Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts." The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" -"Why yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger." |
| A Blonde A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?" |
| "I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.""In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." |
| This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat ofhis car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you wantto move to the back seat?"She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'dbe lonely back there!" |
| A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered theelevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." |
| I was shopping at our local supermarket.When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead ofme.As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her,"Paper or plastic?""It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual." |
| This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card. Sheasks the clerk if they have any new and different cards -- somethingunusual. The clerk points her to a new card just in that day -- "HappyBirthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry."The blonde replied, "How cool! I'll take the whole box!" |
| A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had nolessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and thenhorse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady andrhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from thesaddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to geta firm grip.She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides downthe side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seeminglyimpervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, sheleaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is nowat the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is batteredagainst the ground again and again. She is mere moments away fromunconsciousness when........ ........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off. |
| How do you confuse a blond?You don't, they're born that way. |
| What do you do when a Blonde throws a grenade at you?Pull the pin and throw it back. |
| How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear. |
| How did the blond break her leg while raking leaves?She fell out of the treesent by Chris |
| Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's Factory?She threw away all the w's.Sent by Chris |
| Whats the difference between a blond and a Mosquito?The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.Sent by Chris |
| Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it. |
| What do you call a blonde lesbian? A waste. |
| Why did the blonde fail her driver's license exam? She wasn't used to the front seat! Why did she finally pass her test? She took the examiner with her. |
| What do a moped and a blonde have in common? They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. |
| How are a blonde's legs like cheese wiz? They're both useless unless they're spread! |