| Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday . . .the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday! |
| I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday. Why don't you? Because I can't think of a single thing to say! |
| What did you get for your birthday? Another year! |
| Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough. |
| A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by. |
| BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday? GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you. |
| "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'" |
| Home - A - Age Jokes "That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher. "How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?" "Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. "How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new." Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. "How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred. "I'm not going to tell you that," she replied. "But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were." "Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them." The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. "Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year." Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. "I'm not eating that, Mum!" she said. "It's five years old." Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife? Approaching forty. From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday. `That's right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead.' `Well, sir,' said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.' The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!' |
| When is your birthday? 17th January. What year? Every year! |
| What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday? A stole. |
| "Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade." |
| Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? Because you said it was pound cake! |
| "I guess I didn't get my birthday wish." "How do you know?" "You're still here!" |
| "Did you go shopping for my birthday present?" "Yeah, and I found the perfect thing." "What thing is that?" "Nothing!" |
| Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy? He was celebrating his girthday! |
| What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake! |
| "Were any famous men born on your birthday?" "No, only little babies." |
| What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older!birt |
| Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom! |
| Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears? I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday! |
| Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday? He's trying to age disgracefully! |
| What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?" |
| Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards? The stamps kept falling off the rocks! |
| Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap? It was a birthday present from his wife! |
| Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue! |
| Why did the boy put candles on the toilet? He wanted to have a birthday potty! |
| What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday? I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it! |
| What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday? "Happy Birthday To Gnu!" |
| "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." "Next time, take off the candles." |
| Did you hear about the flag's birthday? It was a Happy one! |
| "My birthday's coming" Do you know what I need?" "Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?" |
| Did you hear about the tree's birthday? It was a sappy one! |
| Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake? Because he always slobbers out the candles! |
| Did you hear about the dancer's birthday? It was a tappy one! |
| How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party? Look for his footprints in the ice cream. |
| A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!" |
| A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!" |
| Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks. 'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!' |
| First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday? Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do. First boy: What's a witch do? Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells. |
| Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday. |